The Dead Won't Die

Check out this great Grindhouse trailer made for a contest put on by Robert Rodriguez at the SXSW festival in Austin. If you aren't into gross, funny horror film spoofs then move along.

I miss my costume building days...

Last night was a seam ripping fest in my livingroom as I took out the side seams of my friend Mark's Burningman outifts. The memories of sweating away in those costume shops over the years, flooded back to me. I love all the tense bitchy moments when a designer would lose it, or the fun and evil moments where everyone collectively bitched about them after they left. It was like a smoker's circle in there, but we would also take smoke breaks......it was a small slice of heaven.

When I first started in the cotume shop, I had only touched a sewing machine once. Within minutes, I relaized I didn't even know what a presser foot was and therefore had stitched my entire costume in high school for Psuedolous in " A Funny Thing..." with the damn thing up. I remember pushing the fabric through really fast trying to hold it all flat and not get my fingers hit with the needle. It was a nightmare, but thank god it was a tunic of thin berlap and not something more complicated. Stupidly this was my first story to share with the class, we were discussing our past experiences with sewing so the teacher could place us on tasks. A month later, our costume shop supervisor Christine gave me something to do that I thought would be impossible, putting the snot elastic into the arm and leg seams of unitards with the surger. I guess all that hell fighting with the presser foot up taught me to keep a good tension easily because I was declared the new pro of dance fabrics. Cornish Dance Theater became a big project each semester as I got better at sewing, and was a really big challenge for all of us. Later in that class I made several costumes for what was called "Mother's Tea," an event where we would model full costumes designed, built and worn by ourselves.... all set to music with tea, family, friends and sandwiches. It was always a highlight of the year. I made myself into a funky swingdancer from the 40's complete with check patterned highwaisted pants. I also made myself a smoking jacket and lounge pants from the 20's and then the biggest project of them all: My Kilt. I ordered the family tartan from Scotland, and the whole thing was about 80 hours of hand sewing.... I topped it off with black wool vest lined in satin and accessorized the rest with a fun "prop" sporran I fashioned out of some leather, a few rabbit pelts and some balsa wood cleverly painted to resemble metal. These project were always soooo much work, but it was amazing some of the things people made. I'll never forget your Marie Antoinette costume Samber with the giant slice of lodged in your wig!

Since I got myself a new sewing machine as a little present to myself, I am going to have to up the ante and start using the damn thing. I need to think up some fun ideas for burning man before I go that I can whip up on this thing. This fun project for Mark will inaugurate it and there couldn't be a more bizarre and fun way. Both the Bavarian Goddess and Rainbow Bright costume alterations will be done by tomorrow mid-day hopefully as there is much more to do and I still need a damn mountain bike. Anybody out there got one they want to get rid of or sell off cheap? Let me know y'all.

The stitching of the tent tarp and the penis casings will be the next challenges awaiting a needle. With the already escalating cost of the "Penis Topiaries" you may remember me mentioning, we are making a small ammendment and turning them into Cacti! Imagine 2 eight foot tall cacti cock and balls that are blacklight sensitive and kinda sway with the wind. It'll be fun, and hopefully close to finished by the time the weekend is done. Anyone need anything stitched? Up for a stitch and bitch?

Beaches 2: Back to the beach!

Ok so i'm bored today at "have a tard" and photoshop can be fun when you just toss out an idea and run with it. It's a little wrong but sadly, I could even see someone pitching this idea someday...you just never know... Imagine how bad Hillary would smell after all those years!

Hey Farmgirl! Can you lick your own behind?

Ahhh the Ross Sisters! Thanks to John Sibley for pointing this one out to the world. You'll no doubt recognize some of the moments in this great clip from "Broadway Rhythm." The carpet munching wheel of three farmgirls at the end is a real payoff, so roll up your sleeves, stretch out those limber limbs and get ready for a freakshow of massive proportions!

Hot deafs!

Please forgive me readers if you take any offense to the following stories....

Back in Seattle, while out on the town, there was a group of very attractive guys we reffered to as the "Hot Deafs." I'd be there drinking down a surfer on acid at the Cha-Cha and there in the corner they would appear, hands moving rapidly, looking all hot. Dancing in the creepy mirrored hell that was the Cuff, I would turn and again, near the entrance or on the patio the "Hot deafs" would be having their meeting of the minds. They were some of the most handsome men in Seattle, some of them knew it in that sick smug way too, but most were just sexy deaf guys I would pine after. There was one guy in the group who would help translate and order drinks, he had apparently only a partial hearing loss, we called him "wingman." He was the keeper of the hot deafs it seemed, and the only portal to them unless you knew sign language. One drunken night I made the mistake of trying to chat with him and his friend over at R Place. The night ended with him getting angry that I was more interested in his friend and he poured his drink on my shoes. The adventure with the hot deafs ended there for me, but I still pined away.

Those of you who know me pretty well, understand that I have no filter at times, and love a good joke about gays, deaf people, poor people, rich people....wait, ok pretty much everyone is fair game for my amusement. Here's where this applies: I have to give myself credit, I have always done a feirce impression of Marlee Matlin. I know if she ever met me, she would have every right to punch me right in the face......hard. (Especially due to the weird psuedo sex dream about her I had... We were married and in bed and she said to me "Fuck me haaaaard!" in that muffled half speak tone of hers... I lept out of bed.) We recently nicknamed the cute female kitty who's been hanging around our backyard Marlee since she seems a little deaf herself, at least on one side. Maybe she could do a guest stint on the L-word!

I think perhaps I've always been a little fascinated by deafness. It's strange but when asked that age old question which sense i'd chose to lose if I had to, never said my hearing. My work is even about visuals, but sound to me I guess is somehow more precious. Maybe it is music? I'm not sure, that's getting too deep for this blog. I truly wonder what the world would be like if you lost a bit or all of your hearing. I've tried putting on noise cancellation headphones before in psychology class to get the basic feeling, but I really am not sure how I would feel about the world around me. It seems like relating to everyone around me would be such a hurdle.

Due to all my joking and seeming insensitivity, I and others have joked that perhaps my "punishment" would be to end up with the deaf man of my dreams. (Doesn't sound like a punishment to me! Maybe a punishment for him....) Who knows.... it worked for my friend Jenny Anderson! She had a penchant for joking about being crippled, and joked about wheelchairs and disabilities like it was her job..... then next thing we know, she had the disabled man of her dreams roll right into her life.... it mostly must have worked because he thought all those jokes were pretty funny too. They often have wheelchair day together at the mall, and Jenny gets her ass in one of those chairs and enjoys huffing around with him side by side. They even wanted to find themselves some good ol' fashioned wheelie porn at one point, but alas that is not a very big industry. Maybe they'll make their own?

Beware hot deafs of LA! Maybe i'll take up sign language just in case.... and this time I don't want to end up with another drink on my feet.

Fun photo Tuesday...break tradition

Dorothy, calm down!

Ahhh what the ending of the Wizard of Oz could have been like with a little more honesty! Thanks go to arshermetica for pointing out this one.

R.I.P. Tammy Faye

She and Aslan are kickin' it up there in the sky!

Why must they play them ALL the time?

I can't stand the "Polyphonic Spree!" I am amazed that they get any airplay on Indie 103.1 but it seems they are in a new constant rotation over there. This band must be stopped...... they are a glorified Disney parade and if everyone just turns the other way and ignores them they might just go away. Help me lead this crusade brave soldiers!

Oh why not...

Sometimes the minutes left in the workday make me feel like I'm holding my head in here with these Japanese girls....

Ok, I know we're all sick of Paris....

But if you haven't seen it, it's a funny parody of her song and music video that isn't that badly done... enjoy.

"Cast off the things that are holding you back!"-Tammy Faye

I must say, while for a large part of my life I haven't necessarily connected to any figures of the church or spirituaity, Tammy Faye is one woman I have grown to admire. I remember the many jokes in my family about her make-up and the whole scandal involving Jim Bakker, but truthfully this woman seems like the real deal to me. Behind all that make-up appears to be a true caring soul that practices what Christianity is supposed to stand for and doesn't harbor prejudices under the guise of bible translations. She really just wants what she says she does for the world: Peace, Understanding, Love, Forgiveness, People to love themselves and cast off the things that hold them back from succeeding in life. She embraces all of those who embrace her, she loves unconditionally....... gay, straight, tranny, druggie, poor, rich... The more I have learned about this woman over the years, the more impressed I've become. This may come off as a strange blog post for me... but hey, why not honor those who impress you.

She also has an amazing son, who has been taping his life on a reality tv show for the sundance channel called "One Punk Under God." If you get a chance you should check this show out, or if you have on demand cable but don't get the sundance channel, they offer a few episodes for free. It's so apparent how her strength and character have been passed on to her son, and fascinating to see how he has struggled with his relationship with his father. The show also documents quite a bit of Tammy's issues with her inoperable colon cancer. It's strange and sad, but very real, to see her whithering away.

Recently she taped an interview with Larry King for CNN that I have yet to see, but after one glimpse of a photo of her at only 65 pounds.... she may not be around much longer. My heart goes out to her for all her pain and struggle, her son, her family, her adopted family on the Surreal Life for VH1 and all those out there who love her. She's one hell of a fighter.

Electric Six - Gay Bar!

Since there's always enough talk on here regarding gay bars, I thought i'd include the video for my favorite song about 'em!

Increase your fiber, and get a lapdance at the same time!

This is probably how it will look in the interim phase when "Jumbo's Clone Room" gets turned into a TGIFridays...

Death metal with serious nuts!

Who knew squirrels could kick so much ass! I like it about as much as I like Wolfmother.....which aint much! hehehehe

Um.....yuck dude...

So the homos over at Jumbo's Clone Room tried to poison the general gay population this past week by beginning to offer up the nasty new "Vodka" (yes I use that term loosely) Pink. It's a new liquor marketed to, you guessed it, all the mo's out there who like their "Vodka Redbulls" but don't want the carbs..... it's supposedly a caffeinated Vodka. Well after one sip of this devil juice, I can honestly tell you to run the other way if one of those free shot taster boys comes your way. Don't let the shiny abs fool you, you are better off having never let this shit touch your lips.

Taste Description: Start with some sort of light motor oil equivalent, cut with water, add a dash of pepper, and then a capfull of bleach.... Douche the liquid into the nearest twink who's been tweaking hard and mainly through booty bumps, and then drain into glass. Drink up boys!

Je suis la jeune fille!

Anyone else remember the indecipherable "Muzzy" commercials? The one with the big hairy sasquatch lookin' thing that apparently can teach your children another language? I love how he says "Bonjoooooooor.....je suis..$$&%^(&)()*)*(" and then the little girl says "Je suis la jeune fille!"

A bit o' the update

Hello fair blog readers, I know I don't write nearly enough about myself on here. I'm sure you feel so deprived of my true being, so I figured I'd drop a line. (Hehehehe like anyone reads this thing Zack!)

Today is yet another droning day at "Have a Tard" and hopefully these days are numbered... there are only 46 days till the big burn at Burningman so that gives me something to look forward to. This weekend was filled with lots of movies and some burningman prep with Billy and Glen. We hit a few great thrift stores (The St. Vincent De Paul neardowntown is amazing everyone!) and I managed to find some great boots which never happens when you have size 13 feet, and a few select items to don. I need to get my ass in gear this upcoming weekend and accomplish at least two things: 1.Test run putting up the tent and 2.Make big headway on the topiary penises... This can easily be done if I get up and off my ass. Billy found some great bizarre fare with lots of flash and Glen found the perfect Mrs. Roper MuMu.

Today I also heard from a strange friend from the past.......Nova! She was a bizarre character in the history of my childhood commonly reffered to as "Pretty pretty princess!" She sent me a message on myspace.com. It appears she is still out in Atlanta where her family moved when I was about 8. Nova was named apparently after the "best damn car" her parents ever owned, oh and how pretty the reference to stars is..... All I can ever see in my head when I say the word is that big ugly blue car, or a tv guide listing for a boring documentary on gravity. Nova's family lived across the street from me for a few years beginning when I was about 5 in the house belonging to a local church reserved for the pastor and his family. (The place was kind of a shithole actually and I remember writing "bitch" on the stucco in iceplant one day and stained it forever....they had to repaint...I never admitted till now I was the culprit.) His mother had an angry face most every day, I remember her yelling alot. Nova's brother was named Aaron, he was commonly known as "little old man" in my house due to his propensity to order people around while shouting bible verses, and the fact that at the age of 7 he looked like he had old man's disease and was 80. At the time hearing my family refer to him that way pissed me off, but now I find it pretty hilarious.

Quite often when playing together, Arron and the "Bare assed twins" would get into a fight. Arron would be shouting things about how they were sinners and were damned to a life in purgatory unless they repented, when Heather would retort "Fuck off Aaron." Those were good times. Every game we would play Nova would swoop in and inevitably want to be the princess of whatever we were playing. We could be playing Jonestown Massacre and she'd wander in declaring herself the princess of Jonestown or Kool-Aid Land, whatever she had named the "kingdom"..... she never really branched out and wanted to be Queen thank god. So strange were my days as a child....

Catfight Tuesday!

I'm feelin' rambunctous! Here's a bizarre but amazing clip of some girl catfight scene from an "unknown film"....but apprently may be from a movie called "The Mini-Skirt Mob." I gotta see it... Kind of reminds me of the hair in "Red Eye" when the girl could get smashed in the face, slammed against a wall, drive into a building and only end up with a scratch and pantene perfect hair!

Tan thy crack!

The apocalypse is upon us...

They've made a rap version of Patrick Swayze's "She's like the wind!" Check it out:

Models Falling

Since i'm not feeling to well today and I'm not in the best of moods I cheered myself up by watching the following:

My man crush

Ok, so I kind of have a thing for Cesar Millan aka "The Dog Whisperer." He's so frickin' smart and great with those dogs... well and he's just plain dreamy!

Useless Knowledge #1

In Britain it is understood (not sure how widely) to avoid bad luck, or to encourage good luck, when you encounter a lone magpie you should greet them by saying "Hello mr. magpie how's your wife?" or "...Where's your wife?" or "Good Morning/ Evening Mr. Magpie."

Freaks....

(He says while throwing salt over his shoulder being carefull not to walk under the ladder while quickly running to avoid a black cat to the song "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder...)

idont see the point in buying an iphone

Thanks Conan....only funny thing you've done on your show....well....ever

Another explanation about why Queer as Folk is a lie...

In Pittsburgh, Liberty Avenue isn't the sweet homo haven that "Queer as folk" might lead you to believe. I lived right off Liberty ave. in the district called Bllomfield. It's a "quaint" neighborhood that prides itself in it's strong Polish roots. Here's a quick video of the street and neighborhood where I spent three agonizingly long years:


It was always fun when people would visit the gay bars in Pittsburgh asking for directions to "Liberty ave." or where "Babylon" was.... so sad... I'd always turn and say: "Ok get on the interstate and drive about 6 hours north to Toronto.....then ask them."

I know this isn't really fascinating to anyone but myself, but it does give the stranger to Pittsburgh a realistic look at how plain and dingy the place is.

Appalling Trash presents...

It's amazing how when you condense and remix an episode of Dynasty into a little under 2 minutes you end up with a real fun gem of a short film, all berets and fire! Check out the handywork of Appalling Trash Films below:

Back to work we go...

Hi ho and all that jazz. It was so difficult coming in to work today. My bed had hit that perfect temperature, the car seemed to exhausting to manage, the grey clouds outside set off that "Just stay in, watch a movie" receptor in my brain. Here I am and it just seems all so exhausting and futile. Ahhhh Monday.

The weekend was filled with all sorts of nothing but I did make a few discoveries along the way.



Pinkberry is kinda overpriced, and not very good. I'm confused by all the hype and why these stores seem to be appearing on every corner of the earth. It's a cute place...usually hyper-mod design.... lots of weird toppings like cereal, and their lame claim to fame: no Fat. I'd rather have the fat and more flavor than the weird ice-milk texture of the yogurt. The fresh fruit was really damn fresh though, I'll give them that. From my experience with friends there, stick to the pinkberry smoothie it was the best.



The other part of Saturday was spent scrounging around such lovely places as the Homo Depot, Lowe's, Army Navy Surplus, and Target for all sorts of goodies. My main goal was to find the right connectors, bases, piping, etc. that is going to form the body of these two 9 foot tall penis topiaries we're building for our camp at burningman. I found the right fabric last week thank god and probably way too much of it. Mark was a dilligent shopper with me and we didn't tire until at last we found the perfect plastic pots we could turn upside down and use for the heads. We also got our tent etc.... good shopping but a long day nonetheless.

Sunday night showed me just how much I hate LAX as it took almost 45 minutes from the time I left the freeway until I was safely parked. Then another 2 hours waiting with my sister for her lost luggage that didn't even show on the next flight by Airtran......arg....late night....Hopefully she'll recieve said luggage today and that bottle of Jamaican rum she had stashed in it wan't be broken!

The Philips Bodygroom Verdict

According to my roommate who purchased one on a wim, for a laugh, and due to it's hilarious online ad campagin..... The thing works, and works really well. Now get your butts over to their website and see the funny music video and featurettes... it'll keep you and your @#!&* happy.

Here's to the boys...

Here's to Shadow and David. We lost David one year ago today and will be saying goodbye to our good friend Shadow today as well. We'll always miss you guys. For me and all my good friends, let our new year start on the 5th of July.